I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
