my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
