Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
