Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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