TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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