never play flip cup with pint glasses
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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