So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
im holly from the hills drunk
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
