It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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