why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
