It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize