i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
