Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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