i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
