Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
