there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
