my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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