Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize