Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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