my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
