Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
