just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
