Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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