We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
