my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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