At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
