a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
