If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
one might say we're banned from that church
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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