I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
