can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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