I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
