You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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