I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
