I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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