i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
