good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was born a porn star she said
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
