haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
