M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
