those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
