I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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