She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
