I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
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