I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
