bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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