Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
