I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
