I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
