Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
