I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
