Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
