She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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