Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
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