I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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