Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
