I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
