Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
