Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
