I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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