Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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