I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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