You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
